anyways, there’s this blog ive been keeping up with and the author of it is doing this series of blogs called, “confessions of a prodigal pharisee.” im gonna steal this concept because i find the idea of a “prodigal pharisee” so relevant to my life, since I am the extreme of both a pharisee and a prodigal son. i think itll help me to organize my thoughts this way too.

here is what prodigal pharisee means (quoted from Fabs):

• Prodigal/Younger Brother: These are terms used to refer to the parts of my character that identify with the younger brother in the parable of the prodigal sons.  This is the rebellious, pleasure-seeking part of me.
• Pharisee/Older Brother: These are terms used to refer to the parts of my character that identify with the older brother in the parable of the prodigal sons. This includes the tendency to be self-righteous believe that I am acceptable to God because I obey.

okay, so here we go!

Confession #1.
I sometimes give myself too much credit, but i often do not give myself enough grace.

There are days where i’ll go to bed knowing that I wasn’t my “best,” or living in the Spirit. And in these times, I find myself frustrated with…well, myself, haha. I get frustrated, like Paul, with my flesh, and how innately sinful and wicked I am. I do not wish to think these thoughts, commit these acts of selfishness, to not act upon what is good…but I just do it. My flesh is freaking messed up. broken, depraved, hopeless, filthy… haha, but yeah, whenever i feel like this, i am tempted to crawl up into myself and shut out everything. That is why for some of you who know me well, know of my random MIA moments. I guess my fear of spiritual/emotional/relational failure drives me to this state where i just don’t do anything. I lay prostrate in the mud that I’ve fallen into, taking in the lies, drowning in my depravity. pretty emo, i know haha

but every time, God is compassionate and reminds me of the victory in the ever so sufficient cross.
Yesterday, my friend reminded me of this need to take hold of grace. I believe her exact words were, “Dude, why are you so uptight?” lol
Yes, logically, I do deserve death. i am indeed a fallen man, and i certainly canNOT receive merit or value on my own. But there is something i do possess, and that is Christ. I am no longer bound by the law that I cannot keep, but am redeemed and rescued by the One who came to fulfill it. No matter how many times or ways I screw up, I am loved. And it is not selfish for me to receive this love. In fact, it brings the Giver great joy when I receive it, and take ownership of it. and THIS is what serves as the catalyst towards righteousness and sanctification. It is not just the knowledge of the law that compels us to live for Christ, but it is in being captivated and resting in the grace of a lovesick Savior.

….
not I, but You Lord.

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

ephesians 2:1-10

the lead singer of sigur ros is coming to atl Halloween night. anyone wanna go with me?
anyways, i love this song. it makes me happy. and you can never go wrong with grandmas and grandpas acting like little kids, tehe. <3

I cannot maintain control over my own life. For what is faith but something revealed and refined in doubt? in confusion? I choose to worship you even when i cannot see, even when I do not know. For Your story and Your glory surpasses the finite plans I make for my own life.

control freak grace, no more!

this is exactly what i do. may i not put my faith and hope into man, but place my trust and identity in the Creator.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”  “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.
Luke 10:38-43

here we go.

He is coming on a white horse, with eyes like a blazing fire and a sword spilling out of His lips.
This is the God we serve.

i pray that i and this generation may wipe the salve out of our eyes to see God in His full glory and majesty and repent deeply from the strongholds of Satan, so that we may stand victoriously on the day of His coming…

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

matthew 7:21-23

just a typical sunday.

wake up.
facebook/gmail.
an argument with dad about keeping the room clean.
breakfast with a grumbling heart.
another argument dad about giving back to the family.
thoughts of incompetence.
brush it off, grace. maybe music will help soothe the soul.
a brief escape.
facebook/gmail. nothing is changed.
what to wear? who am i trying to impress today?
have some time until i gotta leave, a whispered invitation for some alone time with the Lord
instead, tv.
time gets stolen away. late for church.
honked by a driver on the way. frustration seeps in. if they only knew the day i was having.
church. my body is present but my mind is very far from here.
a crumpled up five dollar tossed half-heartedly into the offering basket.
mentally check off church off today’s to-do list.
there’s traffic on the way out. more frustration.
no gas. gotta fill up. oh, but the money…
worry about money.
worry about the future.
tightening the grip on what is seen, and loosening the grip on the eternal…
forgetting truth, believing lies.
…
my first few hours of my sunday begin like this. maybe this sounds familiar to you?
I cant help but become perplexed and disturbed that on Sunday, the day of rest, the Sabbath, the one day set out of the week to be dedicated to God alone, that I find the hardest to worship Him. Arent my Sundays supposed to revive me? But why do i/we feel so tired/drained/stressed/busy? ESPECIALLY on this particular day.Why do I look forward to the events happening after church service, rather than the one time in the week where i can experience God in His dwelling place with others seeking the same rest as i?
something is wrong.
let me repent, for i have made this SACRED day into that of a den of robbers. i have forgotten the meaning of the Sabbath, and what it means to find true rest in the only One who can give peace in this weary heart.

Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. Exodus 20:-11